The Secret Language of Sleep: A Couple's Guide to the Thirty-Nine Positions
Evany Thomas
Illustrated by Amelia Bauer
Classic Spoons
Simple, romantic, tried and true, Spoons (or Spooning) is easily the most well-known sleeping pose. Cynics attribute its popularity to the position's mind-numbing simplicity, but those who dismiss Classic Spoons as too easy, or overly quaint, simply are not doing it right.
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Conjoined Twins, Head (Craniopagus)
Conjoined Twins can sometimes overcompensate in their attempts to simulate real affection, and will shower outsiders with wildly inappropriate gifts (cars, underwear emblazoned with uncomfortable slogans) or stand far too close. Before long, co-workers and constituents learn to steer clear, which, happily, lets Twins return to their naturally anti-social behaviors.
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Crime Scene
Couples who find themselves drawn to the Crime Scene position tend to be individualists who thrive in loosely structured environments with few or no confining dress codes, and they often make fine phlebotomists.
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Excalibur
Like gorgeously plated food or a song filled with unusual harmonies, Excalibur couples—the wan and freckled hand-in-hand with the tragically tan, the pigeon-toed with the duck-walkers—achieve such perfection in their pairing that it reminds the world that anything is possible.
